


Dan's notebook

by wild_wild_world



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Bad Blood era, F/M, Fetus Dan, Overweight Dan, Pre-Bastille, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:33:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wild_wild_world/pseuds/wild_wild_world
Summary: Mel Turner discovers Dan Smith's bullet journal and is determined to return it to him.





	1. How come I end up where I started?

I stare down at the grey pavement. It's laden with yellow leaves that scrunch under my boots as I walk with my boyfriend Dan, his bigger and warmer hand in mine. The both of us are strolling through a lovely park in London, and for some reason I can‘t help but feel deja vu while being here. After we sit down on a bench and start feeding a group of pigeons the remains of our hot dog buns, Dan notices that I‘m being unusually distant and quiet.

“Hey, is something up?“ he questioningly raises one eyebrow and squeezes my hand.

“This park... it reminds of me something,“ I mumble, taking a long look around. My eyes widen as the realisation suddenly hits me. „Shit, it‘s the place where it happened!” I say while looking at him, eyes gleaming with excitement. Dan still doesn’t seem to get it though and I laugh and kiss his thin lips, unable to resist his adorable puzzled expression.

“Well, this is the place where I found your journal. I actually can’t believe I forgot about this park,” I explain myself while fixing the hood of my boyfriend’s jacket, since a particularly strong wind messed it up just a few seconds ago.

“Ooh, now I remember it too,” he nods after scanning the park with his blue eyes. “I used to love coming here. Now it’s been what, five years or so? And look, I can’t even remember the place” he laughs while rubbing his neck with one hand. Dan seems slightly embarrassed, so I give him a warm smile and affectionately run a hand through his fluffy black hair as if reassuring him that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

“No wonder. A lot has changed,” I whisper and put his hand on my tummy, which is getting bigger with each passing month.

“Quite right,” he smiles at me lovingly and rubs his nose against mine, which makes me giggle. My gaze shifts towards a lone bench in the distance, where everything started.

* * *

I can still vividly recall the image of the park when I was walking through it on that day. My mind was far away from reality, occupied with thoughts about uni assignments. It was autumn as well, my favourite season, and I silently admired its shades of yellow, orange, red and brown while walking along the path.

I stopped abruptly after noticing a certain object in the corner of my eye. It appeared to be a small dark green notebook, left on one of the benches. I looked around the secluded place, surrounded by shrubbery and a few trees, a small creek was nearby as well. No people were to be seen around, which lead me to the conclusion that whoever owned the little book must have already been somewhere else.

“Well, looks like I’m going to be the new Light Yagami,” I chuckled quietly, since the scene before me reminded me of the first episode of Death Note way too much. Carefully, as if it cost millions of dollars, I picked up the object. It was a simple, hard-cover, medium sized notebook. Not too big, not too small – perfect for carrying around.

After a while of intently biting my lower lip and thinking about what I should do with the notebook, a particularly strong wind blew past, scattering a good handful of my auburn hair everywhere on my face. I looked up and sighed. Even though the day had been sunny so far, heavy, grey-coloured rainclouds were swiftly swallowing up all the blue in the sky. Rain was to be expected any moment now. My fate was finally sealed when a few cold drops of water fell onto my cheeks, informing that there’s no turning back from the idea that was already stirring inside my head. The notebook seemed intriguing, and I was hoping to find its owner’s name and some sort of contacts inside. I felt that the rain was becoming more and more intense each second, so the forest green book was thrown into my backpack soon enough.

I spent a few hours in the city afterwards, so the notebook that I picked up earlier was completely forgotten by the time I reached home. But the memory came back after I stuck my hand inside my bag, fishing for my wallet, and my fingers accidentally brushed against the hard cover. Instantly, I pulled it out and scanned its appearance one more time before taking a deep breath and opening the first page. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I noticed something scribbled on the inner side of the cover. Judging by the handwriting, the notebook seemed to belong to a man, since the letters were a bit messier. The name ‘Dan Smith’ just proved my suspicions.

Even though the name Daniel is fairly common in England, I have always found it beautiful, so the corners of my lips curved into a small smile. The surname Smith is beyond famous around here, as I myself know at least five people who share it. So far it seemed impossible to locate the owner of the notebook just by using his name alone. However, the phone number that was scribbled underneath seemed promising.

For a moment I glanced at the first page, titled as “index”, a “1” was scribbled on the lower right corner. I hated prying into someone else’s private life so I peeled my eyes away from the book and closed it, feeling slightly guilty. The pile of assignments on my desk reminded me that I had no time to debate whether I should read the notebook and since it was already 10PM, I decided to call the owner tomorrow. The object was placed on the kitchen counter for now.

* * *

 

_I put the green notebook into the hands of the man standing before me. He awarded me with a bright, friendly smile._

_“Mel, I can’t thank you enough for returning my notebook to me. Would a dinner with you be too much to ask? I would really like to know my hero better,” the man extended his hand out to me, inviting me to take it._

_“Daniel, I’d love to join you,” I smiled back at him and reached out to take the hand that he was offering me._

The alarm rang loudly, waking me from my dream.

“Stupid hopeless romantic,” I scolded myself as I groggily opened my eyes. The bedroom was dark and I heard raindrops heavily tapping against the windows. The only thing I felt like doing at that moment was sleeping in or watching a good movie, but because of early lectures I had to make myself let go of the comfort of my bed.

I couldn’t help but shiver when my bare feet touched the cool wooden floor. It creaked slightly after I quickly got up and grabbed my fluffy bathrobe. While wrapping myself into it I was already anticipating the warmth that was going to spread through my body in several minutes. I also slipped a pair of fluffy socks on my freezing feet and finally stepped into the slippers that did the best job at keeping me warm.

Humming a melody of a song that I heard on the radio yesterday, I picked out my outfit for the day and made my way to the bathroom. It was pretty frustrating not being able to remember the name of the song or the band that played it. At moments like these I’d google the few lyrics I’d recall hearing. This technique would work most of the time, but then I couldn’t remember even a few words, only a melody. I grunted and silently hoped to hear it again somewhere while splashing warm water on my naked body in the shower. After I was done, I quickly put on the pair of black jeans and a warm, cosy grey sweater that I had picked out.

Feeling refreshed, I made my way to the kitchen and started making myself an omelette. Unwillingly my eyes wandered towards the green notebook sitting on the counter top. It intrigued me greatly, I couldn’t help but wonder if the man named Dan Smith noticed that he had lost this possession of his. Somehow I had a feeling that he did. For a moment I closed my eyes and tried to guess what his reaction could have been. Was it panic, annoyance, or perhaps even relief that appeared on his face? Who knows what kind of secrets those pages may be hiding.

My nostrils were tickled by the smell of something burning, so I had to snap out of my daydream and continue preparing my breakfast. I truly am a hopeless romantic deep in my heart and love letting my thoughts wander to all sorts of strange directions. I often look at people walking past and wonder where they’re going and why. Or I make their life stories up myself, it’s more interesting that way. At that time, only my best friend Vicky knew about this “hobby” of mine, sometimes she joins me even now. The both of us usually take a seat on a bench in a park, a restaurant or a busy street and pick out a stranger. After that, we let our imagination do its thing. It may sound like a peculiar thing to do, but I always feel like I become closer with Vicky when we play this strange little game.

After quickly finishing the omelette, I took one last glance at the notebook and walked towards the door of my flat, where my backpack was conveniently placed on a chair. I put on my trusted Dr Martens shoes, followed by a warm jacket, and headed out grabbing an umbrella beforehand.

* * *

 The day passed without anything particularly interesting happening to me. Basically, just like always. My life wasn’t very exciting, but I kept reminding myself from time to time that some people had it way harder. The studies were hard and time consuming, but I could cope with that. The thing that really bothered me was the boring routine I had to deal with every day. It was slowly killing me during the last years in school, and the feeling apparently came back in uni as well. I suppose I could have gotten rid of it by doing something exciting, like travelling, but since I was a student I only had a part-time job which paid little money. That meant I had to depend on my parents on most occasions, but I hated asking them for financial support so I decided to just pull through somehow. There were only a few more years to go until I could finally find a real job and start doing things the way I wanted to.

My best friend urged me to at least find a boyfriend to spark up my life a bit, but the thought made me wrinkle my nose. I genuinely thought that I’d be simply too boring to hang out with, as well as not attractive enough. Plus, since I spent so much time studying, I didn’t really have any left for romance. Even though I craved someone’s touch at times, I was always too scared to go out and do something about it. I was and still am a shy individual who feels way out of the comfort zone when dealing with new people in general. The few guy friends that I have were my male company and I was pretty much fine with that.

My thoughts wandered towards the mysterious Dan Smith again. I wondered if he could become my friend as well. The images of the stupid dream that I had rushed to mind. I pictured us sitting in a cosy, Italian restaurant, talking non-stop, discovering numerous hobbies and interests that we shared. My heart swelled with joy at the thought, but I lightly smacked myself for the cheesy daydream. Realising that I was still on the bus crowded with people I nervously looked around. Thankfully, nobody seemed to notice.

When I got home and threw the heavy bag onto the floor, I instantly knew what I had to do – to call the owner of the notebook. I hung my jacket and put my wet shoes to dry first before taking the small green object into my hands once again. I opened the first page, dialled the number and raised the phone to my ear. At that moment I started imagining Dan’s voice. Will it be low and mellow or soft and innocent, belonging to a young boy?

My thoughts were interrupted when a female voice on the other end explained that such a number actually doesn’t exist anymore.


	2. Oh, you fill my head with pieces of a song I can't get out

I lowered the phone from my ear and let out a heavy sigh. Even though I always tend to lean towards pessimism in every situation, I honestly wasn’t expecting such misfortune. Dan probably changed his phone number at some point and forgot to write the new one into the notebook at which I was intently staring at while contemplating what to do next. Checking out the contents of the notebook seemed like the only reasonable thing to do at that point. Besides, I had a whole free evening ahead of me. A little peek couldn’t possibly hurt anyone, right? I quietly promised myself not to continue reading if I happened to find something really personal there.

Feeling both excited and guilty at the same time, I got comfortable on the sofa with the small notebook in my hands and opened the first page one more time. My eyebrows rose up after noticing that not only was every page of the notebook listed in the index, Dan had also written down the contents of them.

“Organised, aren’t we, Dan?” the corners of my lips turned upwards.

“MARCH 2003” was written in capital letters in the top rows of the second and the third pages. On the second page was a list of numbers from 1 to 30 with certain capitalised letters (M, T, W, F and S) written on the right side of them. A few lines were filled with certain events – things like going out with friends, family, buying music, attending parties or film screenings. Only then did I realise that I was looking at a calendar – the numbers were the days of the month, and the letters represented week days.

I glanced at the third page. There I found something that looked like a to-do list. A dot was used to mark every new task. Some of them were crossed out while the other ones were left untouched, but moved to other days instead. Dashes were meant for notes, circles - for events. These markings helped me recognise that I was, in fact, reading a bullet journal. I didn’t own one myself, but admired the simplicity of the system nonetheless.

For a while I kept turning over the pages and inspecting what this young man’s everyday life looked like, as there was a list for nearly every day of the month. The sometimes appearing word “homework” was a clear hint that Dan Smith is – or was, at the time – a student. He seemed like a fairly simple, down-to-earth guy in general. Not once did I see a mention of somebody that could have been a girlfriend or a boyfriend so I assumed that he must have been single. Of course, Dan did go out with his friends, but I never stumbled upon the word “date”. The fact that the task “clean up” was often forwarded to another day or simply crossed out only contributed to my suspicion.

Something that particularly sparked my interest was the note “wrote a new song”.

“A musician then, huh?” I raised my eyebrows feeling even more intrigued than before.

Quickly enough I found out that Dan’s notebook wasn’t just one big storage of things he had to do. There were lists of books to read, films to watch, bands and artists to listen to. I figured that he must have been quite a film fanatic, since most of them were crossed out. It was obvious that the guy liked David Lynch a lot. “ _If that’s the case, the two of us would have something to talk about,_ ” I thought. To be honest, Lynch films freaked me out a lot, making Twin Peaks the most bearable thing for me to watch out of all of his work. “Eraserhead” disturbed me greatly and led to insomnia that lasted at least two weeks after I saw the film at the age of 13.

It was obvious that Dan liked to listen to music as well. Although most of the artists he listened to were unknown to me, I did manage to find similar interests somewhere in that massive list.

Apart from this young man’s interests, I managed to find other interesting stuff as well. I particularly enjoyed reading the page where Dan listed possible Christmas gifts for his friends and relatives:  

 

 

> For mum:
> 
>   * Warm scarf
>   * Gloves
>   * ~~Socks with deers~~
>   * A jar of honey + tea
>   * Wine
>   * Book
> 

> 
> For dad:
> 
>   * Tickets to a film
>   * Slippers??? (ask mum for size)
>   * Book ("The Shining" or "Crime and punishment")
>   * Socks!
> 


He had a list of countries (I could bet that Tibet was a reference to Twin Peaks) and specific places he wanted to visit (Area 51 did make me chuckle out loud, but NASA headquarters sounded pretty wicked), a bucket list ("walk up to a stranger and tell them that I'm from the future"?) and a New Year’s resolutions page ("not to die" does sound like a realistic goal, I have to admit) as well.

However, there were a few pages that didn’t have titles. Inside them were bits and pieces of what I figured out to be lyrics. I couldn’t help but admire the deep and meaningful words which had nothing to do with the nonsense that I heard on the radio every day. In my eyes, even though he needed practice, the young man surely had a gift. Everything associated with Dan Smith’s music career was my favourite thing to read about in his journal. I was really curious about whether the guy had played any gigs and if he still had anything to do with music.

Since it was 2004, it meant that the journal was started a year ago. Keeping that in mind, I took notice of the fact that the notebook was fairly thick and not even filled yet. I instantly thought that Dan must have been keen on filling it nearly every day.

My fingers gingerly opened the last page of the journal. The last day that was marked in it was November 12th – the exact day when I found the journal. It caused a shiver to go down my spine, I was slightly spooked out by the realisation that I was basically reading a young man’s life story. Getting acquainted with what Dan did every day made me feel like I knew him for quite a while. In a way it was like reading a unique book.

I slowly went back to the first pages once again. It was hard not to notice that the ink had blurred out a little over the year.

“This notebook must be really important to him if he’s still filling it up” I mumbled to myself and bit my lower lip. I myself owned a few diaries and knew that it’s pretty interesting to read about what I was doing a few years ago. This made me feel even more determined to return Dan his notebook. I had no idea who this guy was, but it felt like he was my friend already. To be honest, I was pretty confident that I knew him better than some of his friends did. I knew even about his habits, thanks to the tables known as “habit trackers” in the bullet journaling community. In these pages Dan would basically draw another calendar in the form of a table and listed things he should have, or shouldn’t have done every day, then put an X in the box of each day if he was successful. Out of these exact pages I got the information that Dan had health problems since he often failed to exercise and to maintain a healthy diet.

To sum it up, I was pretty confident that I knew Dan well enough to buy him a nice Christmas present using all of the recently acquired information about him.

The notebook was so absorbing that when I looked at the clock, I couldn’t contain a gasp. It was a good thing that it was Friday and I didn’t have to go to work early, in other case I would have been screwed, to say the least.

I closed the notebook and placed it on the sofa beside me. I still had no idea how old Dan Smith was, but I was sure that I could find out. I quickly checked his to-do-lists of November, 2004. Uni assignments had changed homework, so there was no doubt that Dan Smith was in his first year in uni.

“Meaning that I’m a year older than him,” I finished the sentence out loud.

My gaze wandered towards the street lamp outside my window and I started thinking intently while tapping my index finger against my chin. There had to be a way for me to meet Dan somehow. The information that I had collected so far wasn’t exactly helpful in actually finding him. I supposed I could have traced which pubs he liked to visit on weekends, but that could have taken an awfully long time, plus, I didn’t even know what Dan looked like.

After a few minutes, I got an idea. Dan was an aspiring musician, so there had to be gig dates somewhere in his journal. I opened it again and scanned the last few pages, hoping to find something. That would have made everything so much easier.

“ _Bingo!_ ” I whispered when I found exactly what I was looking for. My index finger traced the date and place of Dan’s next gig: November 19th, the “Domino” bar, 8PM. It seemed that he was going to perform with his friend named Ralph, who was mentioned in the journal a few times. “Domino” was located not far from the city centre. That meant taking a few buses, but I needed an adventure so bad that I probably would have went to another city just to complete this childish mission of mine, the possibility of which finally started to sound realistic. Besides, I was curious to hear Dan play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter came out shorter than I wanted it to, but the next one is going to be a loong one, and Dan will show up in it too! It was pretty difficult describing how a bullet journal works, I'm pretty sure the videos on Youtube are way better at explaining it lol. Also I'm planning to include excerpts of Dan's journal in every chapter, just like there was the Christmas gifts one in this chapter, but I still have to think this through :)


	3. Got the music in you baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 31st birthday, Dan! <3  
> (Also, note that since it's 2004, everyone's sense of fashion, is well... interesting. So expect weird and funny outfits and makeup choices from the characters, lol)

With each passing day my excitement about meeting Dan Smith kept growing and I hated it, it just proved how unremarkable my life actually was. Also, I couldn’t contain my curiosity and kept reading the journal every day, even though I knew enough information to return it to Dan. It probably sounds like a poor way to spend your free time, but at least the journal offered me escape from boring reality.

I managed to finish the whole thing throughout the weekend and since then my brain started cooking up images of our future meeting way more often than I would have liked to admit. I wondered whether I was going to hear a simple “thank you”, followed by “it was nice seeing you”, or if he was going to suspiciously eye me and ask me if I had read anything from the journal. I thought long and hard about what the most appropriate response would be in that situation. I finally settled on the explanation that I had no choice but to read everything, as I needed to find a way to contact him somehow. The statement was 80% true, as the remaining 20% were left for the fact that I’m actually just a curious little brat.

Even after finishing the journal, I'd still re-read Dan’s lyrics from time to time. They were incomplete and I found a few different versions of some of the verses, which made it easier to understand what the songs were about. I was really curious to hear the melody of them and hoped that Dan would play at least one of them at the gig.

“I wonder, what kind of instrument does he play?” I mumbled to myself quietly one day while cooking dinner. Even though the young man’s interests and dreams were laid out in the pages of that journal, it was still hard imagining what Dan was like. So far he left the impression of an intelligent, artistic, kind, geeky and sometimes forgetful guy who cares deeply about his family and friends. Apart from that, there definitely were hints about love in some of his songs, so “romantic soul” was added to the list. It was hard to pick out something specific, but I finally settled for a piano or an acoustic guitar.

To tell the truth, Dan definitely seemed like a person that I’d be able to befriend, but I had a feeling that I knew him better than he’ll probably ever get to know me. I shook my head, trying not to think that way. I had made so many assumptions about this guy that I even felt slightly ashamed of myself. There was always a chance that Dan would actually end up being an entirely different person than I imagined him to be, then I’d just be let down. It was best not to expect anything at all.

* * *

 

When Friday finally came, I felt super nervous the whole day. The millions of possible meeting scenarios were no help at easing my nerves, so when it got dark outside I was so freaked out that drinking a few shots of vodka seemed like the only thing that would be able calm me down.

I placed the notebook on my kitchen counter even though there was no way in hell I could have forgotten it. The realisation that the little book will permanently leave my household and that the name Dan Smith will most likely turn into a fast-fading memory sounded very weird and uncomfortable for me.   
“Darn pessimist,” I scolded myself while rummaging through my wardrobe. It was 6PM, I had a few hours left until the gig. I figured that I should make at least a slight effort to look presentable.

Thankfully, a quick hot shower turned out to be very beneficial for me as it relieved my nerves at least a little bit and made me realise that I could deal with this without drinking. While drying my damp skin with a towel, I kept thinking about clothes that would fit the occasion. A normal outfit was in order, I knew that much.

After putting on my underwear, I tiptoed to my bedroom and took another look at the options that were available to me. I picked out a pair of light-washed low-rise-boot-cut jeans and a green turtleneck that was roughly the same shade as the journal.   
“Wow, Mel, how freaking symbolic of you,” I snorted at myself and quickly changed into a fluffy white sweater since it seemed best to wear something warm. Slightly unsure of what to do with my face, I finally settled for a fairly light amount of makeup – a lip gloss, some mascara, eyeliner and a blush. When I was done getting ready, I took a long, good look at myself in the mirror and let myself pass as presentable. Before heading to the door to put on my boots, I grabbed my umbrella purely out of habit, but then I remembered that the weather forecast promised me a clear night, therefore I set it down. The only things in my bag were my keys, lip gloss, the journal and my wallet. Finally, I did the buttons of my trench coat, put on a warm knit and headed out.

As soon as I stepped outside, a particularly chilly gust of wind blew past me, messing up my hair. I shuddered and instantly put on the gloves that I always kept in the pockets of my coat. It was a 30 minute walk to the “Domino” bar, but I wasn’t even planning to listen to my chattering teeth the whole time, therefore public transport was the best option in these conditions.

I reached the bus stop after a few minutes and glanced at my watch. I was a little bit early and that meant spending extra time out in the cold. The thought alone made my teeth chatter, but then I was pleasantly surprised by the bus arriving earlier than it was supposed to. Instantly, I got inside and let out a satisfied sigh as I didn’t have to deal with the cold wind anymore. I took a seat and peeked at the passengers, who seemed just as annoyed with the cold weather as I was. One homeless man was napping on his seat way in the back, I knitted my brows at the sight. I could only imagine how hard it must be not having a home in these harsh conditions and my heart sank for all people who didn’t have a roof above their heads. Just as I started feeling warmth spreading through my body, my joy was bound to end as I had to get out and wait for another bus at the next stop. Sadly, this driver was very punctual and arrived on time. I got in once again and reminded myself that my next stop was the bar, inside which it was definitely going to be warm. The thought that I only had to walk a couple of minutes to get to “Domino” was comforting as well.

When I got out of the bus, I nearly ran all the way to my destination. However, when I approached the building, I realised that the cold was actually beneficial for my nerves: they started acting up again.

A bouncer stood near the door when I went inside and stopped me from going any further.   
“There’s a concert happening in an hour or so, so you’re going to have to pay 4 pounds if you want to get in,” he informed me. I nodded and handed over the money, then opened another door and entered the actual bar with a small stamp on my hand that indicated that I was permitted to enter the gig area.

The place was tiny and not exactly full, only a handful of people were standing in the separate room where the stage was located. The said room was even smaller than the main area, there wasn’t even enough room to fit a reasonable amount of tables there so everyone had to stand instead. I didn’t exactly mind, as long as I didn’t have to be in the 1st row. Even though I love concerts, I found that it takes bravery to actually stand at the front. I always found myself getting slightly scared of the intimacy that the 1st row shared with the musicians, therefore it was way more comfortable for me to stand behind someone’s back.

I hanged my coat and found a nice spot behind the small group of nine people who were also waiting for the concert to start. As time passed, I nervously fiddled with the sleeve of my sweater and constantly kept looking around. _I wonder, when are they going to show up?_ They seemed to be taking their time, so I decided that it was best to return Dan his notebook after the concert.

I was about to check my watch when two figures entered the room and took their places on the small stage in front of the audience. I carefully studied the musician’s features. I have to admit, I felt slightly let down. Both of the guys looked like… weirdos. One of them was slightly taller than the other, chubby, had short dark hair and wore glasses. The other one wore a funny hat, his slightly curly hair was sticking out of it in a funny way. They both had stubbles and shared a particularly interesting taste in fashion that slightly reminded me of hippies.

I shook my head, unable to forgive myself for the disappointment that I felt for a few seconds. Who was I to judge them? My mission was only to return Dan his possession, after all.

“Hello, everyone,” the guy with the weird hat spoke into the mic when they were done setting up their equipment. He held an acoustic guitar while the chubbier musician occupied the keyboard. “I’m Ralph Pelleymounter and this is my friend, Dan Smith,” he informed the crowd and pointed to his companion, who forced a smile and gave everyone a little wave. The people, along with me, applauded them. Even though there were only ten of us, everyone else seemed friendly and relaxed. However, Dan looked awfully nervous and I could see that his hands were slightly shaking. I too suffer from stage fright, so I mentally wished Dan strength.   
“Thanks for coming to see us play, we hope you’ll have a good time,” Dan said into the mic, his voice shaky. Despite the fear that laced his voice, I liked the way the young man sounded.

Without much delay, the concert began.

To put it shortly, the songs didn’t reflect their looks at all. I quickly found myself starting to love their music. The duo completely trampled my first impression of them and I felt incredibly guilty for judging them. Both Dan and Ralph kept thanking the audience after every song and seemed like generous and laid-back people. The atmosphere in the bar was friendly, the performers seemed very happy even with the small number of people who came to watch them. Ralph was the one mostly interacting with the crowd, though. He’d make an effort to say a few words between each song, Dan would mostly just nod or smile in agreement. He seemed like a very shy person, and it showed in music as well – Ralph went ahead and performed a few songs he wrote on his own, while I didn’t recall hearing any of the songs that Dan had written down in his journal. He only sang the songs he wrote with Ralph or the back vocals for Ralph’s songs. However, his voice was lovely, and I was surprised that he didn’t want to show off his talent. Dan sounded way too good to sing only as back vocals.

The concert lasted slightly less than an hour. The last song that they performed, called “Electric head”, really stuck in my head. Once again, Dan sang only back vocals in it, but still sounded amazing. The rest of the crowd seemed to enjoy the concert as much as I did, so everyone generously applauded the duo. Huge smiles were plastered across Dan’s and Ralph’s faces as they thanked everyone once again. That’s when I realised that it was time to return the notebook.

While everyone else left the room and went to the bar to get some drinks, I still remained in the stage area. Suddenly Ralph said something to Dan and left, so the other musician was gathering up the equipment alone.

I walked up to the small stage, feeling slightly more confident since there were no people around. My approach went unnoticed by Dan, who was bent down at the moment, fiddling with some wires.   
“E-excuse me?” I called out to him and coughed, in case my voice was too quiet. Dan jumped slightly and looked up at me. At that exact moment I noticed how beautiful and clear his eyes were. They were so pure and radiated this warmth that made me get lost in that blueness for a moment. The same eyes were scanning my appearance then and the slight furrow of Dan’s brow informed me that he was trying his best to recognise me.

“Uhh, can I help you?” he answered shyly and fixed his glasses.   
“You’re Dan, right?” I gave him a friendly smile, hoping to ease the tension.   
“Yeah, that’s me.” He nodded and nervously looked away from me. His hands were fiddling with his hoodie, for some reason Dan kept pulling it downwards as if afraid that I was going to undress him.   
“I, er, have something for you. I found this last week,” I explained myself and pulled the forest green notebook out of my bag.

Dan’s eyes instantly widened when he recognised what I was holding.   
“No way! I thought I lost it forever! I went back to the park the next day, but it was nowhere to be seen,” he told me. I noticed that even though Dan looked delighted, he was also carefully studying me at the same time.   
“To be honest, I took it with me and kept it in my flat this whole week. But only because it started raining when I found it and I had no other choice,” I quickly added the last sentence after seeing the look of horror that appeared on Dan’s face.   
“Ooh, alright then. Did… did you read it?” He popped the big question that I was fearing as I handed the journal to him. For a moment I was quiet  
“Yeah, but it’s not like I had a choice since the phone number written on the inside of the cover doesn’t exist. You should really update that bit,” I tried to joke, but the bright red stains that were appearing on Dan’s cheeks, forehead and nose informed me how uncomfortable he felt about a stranger having had his journal for a week. He started frantically tapping the hard cover with his fingers. It looked as if Dan was trying to memorise the contents of his journal to figure out if anything embarrassing was written there. He looked so tense that I started feeling sorry for the guy.   
“It’s okay, I suppose. Thank you so, so much...” he didn’t finish the sentence and gave me a questioning look.   
“Shit, sorry. I’m Mel, and really, it was no problem at all, I understand how important these things are,” I shook my head and smiled reassuringly. “By the way, the concert was really great! You guys have talent,” I added, hoping that the compliment will help him loosen up at least a little bit. Dan’s eyes did light up after my compliment and he was about to reply, but just then Ralph appeared out of nowhere.

“Hello there!” he greeted me and instantly scanned my appearance. “Hmm, you don’t look familiar. Are you a friend of Dan’s?”   
“Hi, actually, no, we just met. The name’s Mel” I smiled to him.   
“Mel found my journal that I dropped in the park last week and returned it to me,” Dan explained. I was glad that he seemed thrilled to hold the green notebook once again. Also, suddenly he seemed a little braver when Ralph joined us.   
“Oh really? That’s great, mate! You have no idea how worked up he was about that journal, Mel. I’m Ralph,” he extended an arm out to me and I shook it.

I liked Ralph, he seemed very fun and charismatic, someone that’s easy to talk to.   
“Hey, would you mind to join us and our friends for a beer? I’m sure Dan is trying to come up with a way to thank you right now,” he offered and let out a light-hearted laugh when started Dan blushing wildly once again.   
“Well, I guess I don’t really have anywhere to be right now…” I started slowly. Even though I judged these guys at first, they seemed like great people. To be honest, I had only a few friends in uni, so I wasn’t really in the position to be picky. “Yeah, I’ll join you guys.” I smiled and nodded. Ralph seemed happy about my decision, whereas Dan’s expression was unreadable. Of course, he gave me a smile, but I was unsure if he actually wanted me to stay.

“Come on then, follow us” he waved to me and I trailed behind the duo until we reached a table in the farthest corner of the pub. A group of six people sat around it, all of them vividly engaged in a conversation. They didn’t even notice us, so Ralph had to cough to get their attention. “Guys, this is Mel. I’m gonna go straight to the point – she helped Dan and it’s only fair that we treat her to a beer tonight as a thank you from all of us,” he informed everyone.

The people around the table looked friendly enough, all of them greeted me with a “hello” and introduced themselves. I smiled and nodded after each introduction, but since I’ve always been terrible with names I already knew that awkward moments were to be expected that evening. However, I did remember that the girl who sat on my left side was called Sophie. What stuck inside my head was her bright, warm smile. I felt relief wash over me when Ralph took a seat on my right side since he and Dan were the only people I knew at least a little bit. Dan was sitting next to Sophie with who he seemed to converse with the most. Suddenly I felt Ralph elbowing my side gently.

“Dan kept bugging me about that damn notebook nearly every day the past week. You saved not only his, but also my ass, Mel” he whispered.  
“You know, Ralph isn’t even over-exaggerating, I don’t think Dan was this upset even when his grandma died,” suddenly Sophie also joined the conversation and the three of us chuckled quietly.   
“Hey, I wasn’t complaining that much!” Dan protested and waved his arms in the air.   
“Suuure, Dan. Keep telling that to yourself. Mel doesn’t have the slightest idea about the hell we’ve been put through,” Sophie teased while playfully ruffling his hair. Both of them seemed to be good friends so I let out a small laugh at their bickering.

After a very long time I caught myself actually having fun.


	4. Is it really this cool to be in your life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter to celebrate the temporary break off my writer's block

At first I avoided speaking too much, as I didn’t want to annoy anyone. However, my plan to stay quiet and observe the way everyone interacted was shattered pretty quickly. When everyone noticed that I was holding back, they ushered me to speak my mind as often as possible and asked me lots of questions at every chance they got. It was impossible to not speak for longer than a few minutes. A guy named Joshua, who sat right in front of me on the other side of the table, was the most active member of the campaign 'Let’s not let Mel shut up'. I was even a tad worried that he might be flirting with me.   
“I think I’m going out for a smoke. Anyone feel like joining?” Ralph suddenly said after a while and stood up. I felt slight discomfort because of Joshua’s constant questions, so I decided to join without much hesitation.

“I didn’t take you for the smoking type,” Ralph raised his eyebrows in surprise as we both stepped outside into the cold night.   
“I smoke only occasionally,” I shrugged my shoulders and watched him light up his cigarette. He kindly gave me one and soon we both were breathing out puffs of white smoke. No conversation happened for a few minutes and I realized that even though I knew Ralph for only around an hour, the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. It actually felt quite peaceful and it seemed like me and Ralph were close friends.

“I see that Josh is making you slightly uncomfortable,” Ralph said suddenly, his smile knowing.   
“Uhh, well” I stuttered, not knowing how to explain myself. “I’m just not used to getting this much attention, you know? It felt a bit… strange. I’m not looking for romance right now” I sighed, my face was ridiculously flushed. Ralph started laughing at me.   
“Oh, I get you, Mel. Everyone seems to think that Josh is trying to get in their pants, doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl. Don’t worry, he’s just extremely chatty” he explained while looking up at the cloudy sky.   
“Great, turns out I’m just a self-loving ass” I mumbled and stared down at the pavement while breathing out the smoke.

I liked Ralph a lot. He looked like a stoner or a hippie from the side, but he actually was a really nice person who could make others feel at ease. That was his special talent, as well as reading body language. Even though it seemed like Ralph was the guy who seems to never shut up, he easily picked up my discomfort and fixed the situation in no time. The guy was like a beacon of the group, having so much good in him and always being able to get rid of problems before they blow up. While we smoked, we spoke all kinds of light-hearted nonsense that I wasn’t even able to recall the other day, but it made my nervousness die completely and I finally calmed down. Then Ralph offered to go back inside the bar, and I sat down at the table feeling refreshed. From that moment I interacted with Joshua without overthinking his motives. That let me see the great side of him. I was surprised to find out that he was actually an aspiring painter.

“So what do you do, Mel? You look like you’re in uni as well,” Josh asked politely.   
“Yeah, I’m currently studying… physics,” I blurted out after a short pause.   
“Whooa, really?” he gasped and covered his mouth. “That’s so fucking awesome. You must be so smart, Mel! You’re the only one out of all of us who’s gonna have a stable future,” he joked and started laughing.   
“Jeez, Josh, quit talking shit,” I blushed a little and quickly glanced at everyone, but nobody was listening to our conversation.   
“I’m not even joking, though. All of us are artists in a way, apparently,” Josh shook his head and took a swig of his beer. That’s when Ralph turned to us and nodded.   
“Josh is right, actually. I study music, and Dan is from the same uni as me. He studies English literature, but we were able to bump into each other somehow” he informed me. I was a bit taken aback by his remark. I thought Dan studied music as well, since he wrote music and performed with Ralph.   
“Dan, why did you choose a degree in English literature?” I curiously asked Dan, since he was looking at us and it seemed like the right moment to ask.   
“Well, I think it’d be wicked to become a journalist and interview all kinds of musicians, directors or movie stars, you know? Cause I really love music and film,” he told me. Those blue eyes sparkled with passion as he spoke, so it seemed like music was only a hobby for Dan. I already knew that he loved films and music, but I pretended like I had never heard that information before.   
“But Dan secretly dreams about becoming a director,” Sophie chirped and elbowed her friend. Dan instantly blushed.   
“Yeah, I’ve dreamt of it since I was way younger. Buut, I’m too lazy,” he coughed and scratched his head. “That’s why I didn’t pick film school. You have to be very attentive to small details and I’d be too all over the place, you know?” I wanted to disagree with him, since from what I’ve read in the journal, Dan did seem like someone who likes to linger on the small details. I said nothing instead.

* * *

That night I went for a smoke a few more times, each of them with one or a few different people. The group consisted of nine people in total and I felt like I certainly got to know all of them better, except for Dan. It felt like he was hiding from me behind Sophie the whole time. It seemed like each time I tried to strike up a conversation with him, the guy would take a step back. I didn’t understand why Dan acted that way, my only explanation was that he was really shy and would open up only to those who knew him well. I sighed at the thought, since there was a possibility that this was the only time I was going to speak with him. However, later everyone agreed that they wanted to hang out with me again. A wave of relief washed over me. I really liked these people and certainly wanted to meet them again as well. These kind of thoughts were new to me. All my life I just focused on my grades and working towards my dream to work in NASA. Because of that, there was never much space for friends in my life. To be honest, I had none. At least before that night.

“Hey, how about you give me your number? I’ll ring you up tomorrow, we’ll be going to a gig. Wanna join?” Ralph offered me when everyone started gathering their things and putting on their coats.   
“Y-yeah, that’d be great!” I stuttered a bit, since Ralph woke me up from my daydream. “Thanks, Ralph, I had such a great time. Everyone here is awesome” I expressed my gratitude. Both of us smiled widely at each other.   
“Everyone loved you as well, Mel. Now come on. Clara didn’t drink, so she’ll take us home.” “No, it’s alright, I don’t live far from here so I can take the night bus” I shook my head, not wanting to be a burden. “No way, Mel. It’s freezing outside!” Ralph furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed my shoulders. He turned me around towards the direction, where Clara and Dan stood. They were already waiting for us with their coats on and seemed to be lost in conversation about something. It was strange seeing Dan so lively when talking to someone, and I found myself feeling slightly hurt by how cold he was towards me. My internal voice quickly soothed this feeling by telling me to stop being stupid. Clara was a musician too, it made perfect sense that Dan conversed with her more easily than with me – a completely new person.

When me and Ralph approached the two, the conversation died and Dan shifted his eyes elsewhere. I instantly felt uncomfortable and rubbed my neck, not knowing what to do or say. “Clara, why didn’t you drink?” I finally asked her out of curiosity.   
“Dunno, I don’t really like drinking I guess. It tastes terrible” she shrugged. Clara was one of the quiet people in the group and didn’t say much. I just nodded and decided that the answer was good enough. Ralph paid no attention to the change in atmosphere, though, he just waved for everyone to go outside.

Everyone exchanged goodbyes near the entrance of the bar, and our trio walked away towards Clara’s car. Ralph took the passenger seat which, meant that me and Dan were left to occupy the backseat. He, as expected, stared through the window the whole time and didn’t say a word unless someone asked a question of some sort, but the answers were short and blunt.   
“Hey, so who’s going to the gig, if you mind me asking?” I asked Ralph.   
“Oh, it’s going to be just you, me, Dan and Clara here. We’re the gig enthusiasts in the bunch” Ralph answered.   
“Why don’t others go with you? Actually, you all look like the gig type” I wondered.   
“Sometimes they join us, like today, but they don’t like going as often as we do. How about you?”   
“Well, I can assure you that I love gigs” I instantly said.   
“That’s great! Then maybe you can be an addition to our company. Clara doesn’t say a word about this, but I’m pretty damn sure she’s bored of me and Dan. We need someone sensible around here, someone like you” Ralph added and laughed. In the corner of my eye I saw Dan smiling slightly.   
“You guys are alright, but it would be nice having some female company indeed” Clara nodded. I looked at her and smiled. Clara was a very petite girl, who could have been easily mistaken for a high school student. She looked like she was drowning in the driver’s seat, and the steering wheel looked huge in her small hands.     
“Well, I’d be happy to join you guys! Thanks for having me” I said and secretly eyed Dan, wondering what he truly thought about all of this.

When I got home, I instantly picked up my phone and thought about calling an old friend of mine. This was something new to me, since I usually never felt the need to talk to someone about my life. I hadn’t made contact with the said friend for a pretty long time, though, and it probably would have been weird to call her. Not to mention that it was past midnight. I bit my lip and left the phone in my living room. I myself went to the bathroom and concentrated on removing my makeup.

I took my time in the shower afterwards. I wanted to clean myself properly after spending hours in a warm bar. When I finally stepped inside my living room, the phone vibrated. I raised my eyebrows and peeked at the screen. It was just Ralph texting me to say hello, but I smiled nonetheless. So far I really liked having a friend like him. Ralph seemed like a very stable person, the kind who stays in your life for a very long time. I wasn’t so sure about Dan, though. He was the person who interested me most, but at the same time it looked like he had the least interest in me from the whole group.


	5. when I lift you up you feel / like a hundred times yourself

The following morning I woke up late. I had a bad habit to stay in bed for hours even after waking up, and that morning I decided to let myself be lazy for a bit. First, I spent a good ten minutes remembering last night’s events. It had been so long since I had a fun night out with people. 

My own personal choice was to blame for that, though. Once I started university, I stopped talking to everyone I knew. Ever since I was a child, I was determined to work for NASA one day, and I knew that it would require an insane amount of work and patience. Saying good-bye to socializing seemed like something that would aid me in achieving my goal. Yet, an evening spent with Ralph and co. suddenly had me questioning my life choices. 

Before I knew it, I was holding my phone in hand, thinking about calling the person I used to call my best friend before starting uni. It had been a very, very long time since we last talked. No major fight took place between us, Natalie was just one of the many people to whom I suddenly stopped talking to. Was it really worth it to push her away, though?

It didn’t take long for me to decide that at least she and Ralph and co. were worth trying for. I was already pretty excited about spending another evening with them, even if it were with only a handful of people from the group. My newly-made friends made me realise how bored I was of doing everything by myself. 

Before texting my old friend Natalie, I decided to call my older sister, Violet.  
“Hello?” her tired voice came from the other end. A baby’s cry could be heard in the background. That was undoubtedly my niece saying hello.  
“Hi, sis. Well, Jonathan sounds talkative today,” I giggled, already imagining the dark bags under her eyes.  
“Yeah, tell me about it. He’s been crying ever since eight,” she groaned. “So, what’s up?”  
“Well, I just wanted to talk to you, if it’s alright? I don’t want to disturb you.”  
“No, no it’s quite alright. I think my little monster is about to go to sleep anyways.” She sighed and stopped for a moment, probably taking a moment to peek at her son. “You know, crying for three hours straight takes a lot of energy out of you,” she mumbled more to herself than to me.  
I took a deep breath, already knowing what her reaction will be. “Well, yesterday I met some people…” I began.  
“Whoa, no way, Mel. You finally forgot about your stupid rule?” Violet instantly started teasing me.  
“I didn’t! It just… happened. I didn’t plan it to go this way, but looks like I’ll be pretending that it doesn’t exist for at least some time now.”  
I could practically hear my sister smiling on the other end. “Unbelievable. What made you change your mind?”  
“Well, it might sound a bit crazy, so I think it would be best to talk about it in person. At dinner on Friday perhaps?” I suggested.  
“Sure, I’m already interested. It’s been a very, very long time since you had something to tell to us.”  
“I’m meeting them again today, actually,” I stated, somewhat proud of myself, “so I think I’ll have even more stuff to talk about.”  
Violet snickered. “Wow, isn’t that too much social interaction for someone who was a complete hermit for over a year?” 

Her words made me stop and think for a few moments. “You know, that would make sense, but no, I don’t feel that way. I don’t even know why. Anyhow, we’re going to a bar to see some band play, I’m super excited about it! Oh, and also, I’m thinking of renewing things with Nat.”  
“Nat?” she gasped, surprised by my quick decision-making. “Whoa, those guys are sure getting you back on track. I think I might have to thank all of them personally! For people you know only for a day, they sure are helping you out a lot.”  
“Yeah, it probably sounds ridiculous.” I blushed slightly and covered half of my face with my hand. “But I think they just pushed me in the right direction, that’s all. They sort of made me realise that not having friends isn’t exactly the right way to go.”  
A cry on the other end made my sister sigh, so there was a short pause. “Yeah, you do that, little sister. Sorry, but I have to get back to taking care of Jonathan now. Have fun today! We’ll catch up on Friday, right?”  
“Yeah, of course! Good luck, and kisses to crybaby Jonathan!” I giggled and finally hung up. 

Somehow I always ended up on my bed when I was talking on the phone. That time exactly the same thing happened without me even realizing it. I took a deep breath and raised my bare legs into the air, then wiggled my toes, intently thinking about whether or not I should send the text to Nat.  
“Ah, fuck it,” I mumbled to myself, and picked up the phone once again. I felt slightly nervous, but quickly typed a new message nonetheless. It was very simple – a hello, followed by a “how are you doing?” Completely random, but I had no idea how else I should have begun the conversation. I hated explaining myself and writing dramatic apologies, therefore just jumping back into our friendship seemed like the right way to go. I knew that such thinking was very selfish of me and that I definitely will have tons of explaining to do, but that didn’t matter to me as much as the thought of having my best friend back in my life. 

Just as I sent the text, I received another one. Surprised, I raised my eyebrows. It seemed a little too unlikely that Natalie could have replied to me in less than a minute. She should have been at least slightly taken aback by my sudden text… right? It was just Ralph texting me, though. He informed me when and where all of us are supposed meet. I just texted him an “Okay, thanks” as a confirmation that the info reached me.

I still had plenty of time, but it was nearly 2PM and I, apparently, was still glued to my bed.  
“Time to get up, lazy ass,” I mumbled to myself and shuddered as my feet touched the cool, wooden floor of my bedroom. Soon enough I was up and walking towards the bathroom to sort myself out.  
A warm shower didn’t help me to snap out of my sleepy state, so soon after that I was making my way down the street to the closest library, breathing in the cold November air. It was oddly quiet that day, or maybe it was just me being too lost in my own thoughts to notice what was going on around me. 

I kept thinking about the upcoming evening as I walked, I didn’t even feel myself already opening the doors of the library. The gesture was pretty automatic to me, since I went there often enough. I realised that I was inside the building only when I felt that my cheeks started warming up and there was no cold breeze pinching them. 

I took off my gloves and walked up to the administration table where several ladies were working. It took only a minute or so for me to return the books that that I borrowed the last time. After that, I could finally venture deeper into the library. I absentmindedly took a sharp turn behind a shelf, walking to the sci-fi section like I usually did, not even noticing that there was a person in front of me until we bumped into each other.

“I’m sorry!” the stranger and I mumbled at the same time and even simultaneously took a step backwards. I was beyond surprised to see that I had collided with Dan.  
“Hi, Dan! I didn’t think I’d see you here,” I said, keeping my voice down.  
“Y-yeah, same here…” Dan seemed somehow uncomfortable seeing me there, he was all flustered and fidgety. I had no idea what was the cause behind that, but he made me feel uneasy, too. After a few seconds a girl appeared beside him. The first thing I noticed about her was her eyes. They were unlike any other ones I had seen before: an uncomfortably piercing, very dark hue of blue, contrasting with her pasty skin. A pair of horn-rimmed glasses along with several locks of dirty blonde hair framed her bony, oval face quite nicely, but the combo also multiplied the intensity of her gaze at least several times, increasing the level of my discomfort even further. 

The girl was taller than me, of average build, and wore an oversized military jacket with jeans and a pair of combat boots. She looked like the wrong kind of person to mess with. The stranger was also sucking on a lollipop.  
“Hello, there. New friend of yours, Dan?” her voice was supposed to sound friendly and concerned, yet there was something very rigid about it.  
“U-uh, yeah. This is…Mel” Dan coughed and lowered his gaze.  
“Ooh, how lovely. I’m Tessa,” she flashed me a fake and unnatural smile, “soo, how did you two meet?” Tessa cocked her head to the side. The gesture was very snake-like, I couldn’t help but notice.  
“It’s a rather long story,” I lazily replied, trying to avoid the subject. “I’m sure Dan will tell you all about it.”  
“Mmm… you in a hurry, Mel?” Tessa took the lollipop out of her mouth and yawned.  
“Uh-huh, sort of. I have lots of studying to do. So I’ll see you later, Dan?” I quickly glanced at the guy who we both knew, and who was being really quiet.  
Dan quickly nodded several times. “Yeah, of course”  
“It was nice meeting you.” Tessa squeezed out yet another fake smile for me.  
“Yeah, you too. Bye!” I waved to them and quickly escaped the awkward situation by hiding behind some shelves. _Sheesh, what the hell is her problem?_ I instantly thought, slightly angry. Dan’s strange behavior puzzled me, too. He wasn’t like that yesterday. 

That time, I picked my books a lot faster than I usually did, secretly scared to bump into Dan and Tessa again. There was just something creepy about that girl. Her manner of talking and body language made me want to end the conversation with her as fast as possible. I found it hard to believe that she could have been a close friend of Dan’s. Hell, for me it was hard imagining him having a normal conversation with her.

I made myself forget about the unpleasant encounter, though, as I had a gig to be excited about. Upon getting home, I focused on getting my university work done so I would have the rest of the day free. Learning how to effectively plan my time was one of the very few ways in which my plan not to have friends benefited me. 

When it got dark outside and it was finally time to leave, I was ready. I decided on rather simple clothing and a minimal amount of makeup, as always. I wasn’t used to dressing up just yet. It had only been my second day doing so after a pretty long hiatus, no matter how weird that sounds. 

I took the bus to get to my destination. I also had to walk a little bit, which wasn’t exactly pleasant since it was cold outside. When I reached the pub, Ralph and Clara were already there.  
“Hey!” I greeted them both and stepped into the little cloud that their cigarettes were producing.  
“Hey yourself, Mel,” Ralph greeted me back, and Clara just gave a little wave. I looked around hoping to see the fourth member of our group, but he was nowhere to be seen, “Dan texted me, he’s going to be late.” Ralph informed me, having quickly picked up what I was thinking.  
“Oh, I see. I started thinking that he’s not going to make it.”  
“Nah, Dan is too much of a music nerd for that.” Ralph chuckled.  
I smiled and waited for a moment, thinking about whether I should say something about what happened today. It didn’t take long for me to decide that more information would be useful.  
“I actually bumped into Dan today. I went to the library and he was there, too. With some friend of his… I think her name was Tessa. Perhaps she hangs out with all of you, too?” I asked, trying to sound as natural as possible.  
Ralph and Clara exchanged glances, then they chuckled.  
“Yeah, no. We don’t hang out with Tessa for sure.” Clara shook her head.  
“Uh-huh, Tessa is… I don’t know, she’s kind of too scary for us. She knows Dan since they were kids, actually,” Ralph informed me, then he scratched the back of his head, thinking. “We tried spending some time with her, but she’s a tad too uptight. Doesn’t work with us. We decided that it’s best for Dan to keep her to himself. “  
“Oh, I see. She did seem… odd to me, too.” I mumbled and shuffled my feet, remembering my unpleasant meeting with her. “To be honest, she looked at me like I was a threat to Dan or something. It was pretty scary.”  
Clara snorted. “Pretty sure that she does that with everyone, because all of us were stabbed by her freaky eyes as well.”  
“Especially the girls.” Ralph added.  
“Maybe she fancies Dan or something, I don’t know,” Clara shrugged her shoulders. “We should go in. It’s getting cold outside. Dan will find us on his own, I’m not too excited about my butt freezing out in the cold.”  
I nodded and our trio went inside the bar. We came an hour early, but there already were plenty of people inside. 

Ralph maneuvered through the tables and found an empty one with four seats in case Dan would decide to show up before the gig started. We hung our coats and settled onto the chairs.  
“Are you guys going to drink anything? I think I’ll have a beer,” Ralph directed his gaze at Clara and I. We exchanged looks and nodded somewhat at the same time.  
“I’d like a beer, too.”  
“Yeah, same here.”  
Ralph raised his thumbs as a response, spun around and went towards the bar to get the drinks.  
“Do you guys come to this bar often?” I quietly asked, feeling a little awkward being left alone with Clara, who was blankly staring at the wall at that moment. The girl ignored me for a second, then her big hazel eyes blinked slowly and she finally turned to me.  
“Uuuh, sorry?”  
“I was asking if you guys come here often” I tried laughing, but it came out way too fake for my liking. I had to admit, Clara creeped me out a little. Thankfully, she was oblivious to my discomfort. Or she simply didn’t care enough. 

“Well, I guess we do…” she fell silent for a few moments and I started thinking that this conversation was over, but then Clara started talking again, “This place isn’t bad, but we have a few other ones that we prefer over this one.”  
“So how do you exactly choose places that you visit most often? What are the criteria?”  
“It’ll be hard to understand for you right now. This stuff takes some time. When you go to enough concerts, you eventually realise what exactly you like, and then you find a place that you identify with the most. Ralph, Dan and I have a somewhat similar taste in music, but we have our differences, too.”  
I just nodded, not really sure what Clara was talking about. I was left in awe, though, as that was probably the most words I managed to get out of the young woman in less than a minute. Clara probably realised that, too: she fell silent, looking somewhat exhausted, as if the talking really tired her out. Thankfully, Ralph came to my rescue, holding three bottles of beer.  
“Soo, while I was gone, I called Dan. He’ll be here any… oh, there he comes!” Ralph started waving at his friend wildly, a bright smile on his face.  
“Hi guys,” a silent greeting came from behind me.  
“Hi, Dan,” I mumbled as he took the free seat beside me. I still felt a bit weird around him, especially after what happened at the library.  
“Hello, you’re late,” Clara blankly stated, making the black haired boy shift uncomfortably in his seat.  
“Uhh, yeah, terribly sorry about that. I had a lot of stuff to—“  
Ralph started waving his arms as a protest to Dan’s excuses “Whoa whoa, it’s alright, no need to tell us your life story,” he shook his head and gave Dan a reassuring smile. 

The people suddenly started walking to a smaller, separate room, where the stage was.  
“Okay, I guess we’d better get going” I looked at the trio. All of them nodded and we went inside. The room was ridiculously small – only around 20 people could fit inside. Thankfully, it seemed that the place wasn’t going to be overfilled that night.  
“So, what band are we seeing?” I whispered to Ralph, trying not to be heard by strangers who knew who the hell they were going to hear that evening.  
“They’re this math-rock band, called Blue Matter. They’re barely popular, as you can already see, but that doesn’t hold them back from blowing everyone’s minds at their shows.”  
“Yeah, and they’re really young – as people and as a band. They formed like 2 years ago, I think” Clara nodded.  
“They only released one EP with six songs so far. But they play a lot of stuff live that hasn’t been recorded yet.” Dan added a quick comment as well.  
“Okay, I got it,” I nodded and looked at the stage, where the musicians were fidgeting with their instruments on the stage. Blue Matter had four members for each instrument – drums, bass and two guitars. The singer, who also played the guitar, was especially good looking. He wore round glasses with black frames that complimented the shape of his face really well and a red plaid shirt. The guy also had a stubble that was a pleasing sight for the eyes, as was his wide smile. 

“Hello and thank you all for coming to our show! We are Blue Matter, and we hope that you’ll have a nice time with us. We have loads of new stuff to show you guys, so we hope that you prepared your ears to have a listen,” the singer informed everyone once they were done setting up their equipment. The crowd cheered them on as they started playing their first song. It was fast-paced and the musicians were very energetic right from the start. The four-member band seemed to have infected the room with a certain positivity. Soon enough, everyone was jumping up and down, and I was learning the words of the songs in minutes. I didn’t even notice that every single tune had me doing something that I hadn’t done in a very, very long time – dancing. I stood next to Clara and Ralph, together with Dan, were behind us, so I couldn’t see them, but I was sure that they were having just as much fun as I was. Clara was the most alive that I had seen her, just the fact that she was smiling non-stop was amazing. 

Towards the end of the gig, the drummer spoke into the mic. He informed the audience that it was their lead singer’s Oliver’s birthday. The small crowd instantly started singing “happy birthday”, and the band laughed and clapped, especially Oliver. He seemed like a very cheerful and nice guy, interacting with the audience after each song, energetically jumping around the stage and letting out some improvised screams into the mic. While everyone was singing, Oliver’s smile was wide and he reminded me of an adorable puppy. When the song was over, a round of applause was given for the birthday boy, but the fun didn’t end there. That time the guitarist held a picture over his head and gave it to the people in the first row, saying that it’s of Oliver “in his young days” and that they would like it very much if everyone were to pass the picture around the room and write birthday wishes for Oliver. When the picture ended up in my hands, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The shot was of Oliver in his teen years, overweight and with terrible hair. Nothing like his present look. I used the black marker that was being passed around and scribbled a hearty note for Oliver on it.  
“Yeah, Oliver played basketball and went swimming each day not just for fun,” the guitarist said into the mic when the picture made its way back into the band’s hands. I smiled and looked at Ralph, then I noticed Dan’s expression. His lips were a thin line and he didn’t look very happy at all. Ralph and Clara didn’t seem to notice what was going on, though. Suddenly Dan said something into Ralph’s ear and excused himself. 

I lingered for a minute or so, then told Clara and Ralph that I had to use the restroom ASAP and left the room. I felt that the gig was coming near its end and felt a bit disappointed to leave at the moment when the energy reached its peak, but I also didn’t want Dan to be alone. The latter feeling seemed to be stronger, so it wasn’t hard figuring out what to do. He wasn’t sitting by our table, so I figured that he was outside and put on my coat. When I stepped outside, Dan was standing by the entrance, just as I expected. Alone.

“What’s up?” I asked. The boy turned his head , looking lost and a little annoyed that someone was trying to strike up a conversation.  
“Just needed to get some air. It was getting too hot in there.” He said quietly after a few seconds.  
“Yeah, I was feeling the same way,” I nodded and sat down on the curb, extending my legs so it would be more comfortable to sit. “So, have you seen Blue Matter live before? Or was this a first for you too?”  
Dan turned his head and looked at me for a bit without saying anything.  
“I saw them two times before. This was their best gig so far,” he finally replied.  
I felt that he was trying to push me away, but I couldn’t let him get to me, so I quickly thought up a way to lengthen our conversation “Oh, that’s cool. I really liked them too. Why are they called a math-rock band, by the way? I heard Ralph using that term before the gig,” I asked, proud of my quick thinking.  
Dan hesitated for a moment, then he sat down next to me and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. My eyes widened a little in shock – I didn’t expect Dan to be the smoking type. He took out one from the pack, then looked at me and extended it forward. I have smoked before, but it had been a long time since my last try. I took the cigarette nonetheless. Then Dan pulled out a lighter and we lit the small cylinders.  
“Do you remember the way they’d irregularly stop and start playing again sometimes?” he asked when the both of us took our first puffs of smoke. I thought for a second, then nodded. I had wondered about that during the gig. “Well, that’s one of the easiest things to notice about math rock. The irregular stopping is one of the characteristics.”  
“Ooh, I see. That’s pretty cool. I really liked them,” I smiled slightly, and we both took a few puffs in silence. “By the way,” I continued, “Clara told me some stuff about venues. That all of you have your favourites. Which one is yours?”  
“My favourite venue?” Dan stopped for a moment. “There’s one… called “The red room”. It’s a David Lynch themed bar, and I’m absolutely nuts about that guy. He’s my favourite director.”  
“I like David Lynch too! I had a really weird art teacher back in school, and he made us watch Eraserhead. I couldn’t sleep for a few weeks afterwards, but I found that movie so thought-provoking that I couldn’t stop thinking about it!” I chuckled, remembering that dreadful time when I had to sleep with the lights on. “I’m too freaked out to watch his other stuff, though. I only dared to watch Twin Peaks.”  
“Whaat, seriously? You were that freaked out?” Dan laughed out loud. “I thought it wasn’t scary at all. Sure, there’s an overall eerie feeling, but nothing that radical. You absolutely have to watch more of his stuff! Like Mulholland drive! It’s an absolute masterpiece. I’d dare to say that it’s my most favourite film of all time.”

We talked for a good ten or fifteen minutes outside. It was cold as hell, but the conversation was flowing so effortlessly that nor Dan, nor I noticed it. We got up from the cold pavement only after we noticed that people were already leaving the bar – the gig had ended.  
I turned my head to the side and watched some people disappearing in the back of the street. “Okay, I’d say it’s about time for us to return to Clara and Ralph.”  
“Yeah, agreed,” Dan nodded, and soon we were back at our table. Clara and Ralph were already there, seemingly looking for us.  
“Heey, where the hell did you guys go?” Clara asked both of them. “You missed the best part! The end was absolutely sick!”  
“You should have seen the way everyone went crazy!” Ralph added.  
“We just had to get some air. It was insanely hot there, I felt like I was going to faint. And when I walked out, I saw that Dan was there, too. And that’s how we ended up out there,” I explained, making sure not to say too much. I was just glad that she made Dan relax and forget about the unpleasant incident during the gig. 

We stayed inside the bar for a few hours, sharing our thoughts about the gig. The band themselves stayed for a bit, too, and I even got the chance to talk with the gorgeous-looking Oliver. I made sure to compliment the picture of him that was now filled with birthday wishes and ridiculous-looking hearts that was passed around during the gig. It was hard to believe that it’s of the same person, so I mentioned that as well.  
“Yeah, I know! I constantly hear that”, Oliver laughed while scratching the back of his neck that was slightly red from embarrassment. He was very cute and I couldn’t believe that I was having such an easy time talking to him. It turned out that the whole band was around my age. Oliver was studying to become an actor, and two band members were also physicists, but from another uni. Once I heard that, I just had to talk to them too. They were really nice guys, witty and artistic. The fourth band member left when the gig ended, so I didn’t get the chance to talk to him, but the rest of the guys made me promise to come to their next gig so I can hang out with all of them. I was over the moon.

At one point, I accidentally noticed that Dan was absent-mindedly staring through the window and not engaging in the conversation. He was back into his shell, something that I did not anticipate to happen after the nice talk that we had outside. I let out an internal sigh, not sure if Dan was tipped off by one of the many topics of my conversation with Oliver – his weight – or something else, but I felt guilty for some reason nonetheless. 

“Okay, I think it’s time that we leave. It was a wicked evening, you guys. Let’s do this more often,” Ralph smiled while stretching out lazily, the gig had obviously tired him out.  
“Yeeah, I liked it a lot, too,” Clara nodded enthusiastically. “And the new girl wasn’t that much of a nuisance, too.”  
I giggled at her words. “Gosh, am I glad to hear that.”  
Only Dan was being quiet and keeping to himself, but the other two seemed to ignore this. They must have been used to this state of his. 

When Ralph and Clara went to get the coats, Dan and I were left alone for a few minutes.  
“You okay?” I asked him with genuine concern.  
“Uh-huh, I’m fine,” Dan shrugged. He wasn’t looking me in the eyes. Something was off.  
“For sure? Because I think—“  
“Well, you can think what you want,” Dan cut me off mid-sentence and finally looked at me, his lips thin, eyes rigid. I could only stare in disbelief, having not expected such a cold response at all.


End file.
